What generally creates distress in relationships is our thoughts and the resulting emotions that we feel. It is possible when we are not conscious of the thoughts we are thinking, to let them drive us, so that we feel entangled with or a victim of our emotions. This often has the effect of our emotions getting emeshed with our partners when we are in a relationship. If instead we can learn to observe our thoughts and emotions, we will be the master of how we are in relationships, allowing us to connect with our partner in a healthy way.
To from distress to ease in relationships:
- Observe any emotion or tension within you with love. Meditation is a helpful way to do this. A walk in nature also helps, as nature helps us to relax and reconnect to our natural state of calm and inner wisdom.
- A challenging situation manifesting as tension in the body is a reflection of your thoughts. Any tension is a golden opportunity to observe thoughts and change any thoughts or beliefs that are not supporting you to ones that do. For example if you feel tension in your body, observe your thoughts and you may find yourself thinking: My needs are not valued. You would not consciously choose to believe this.
- With this new awareness, you will be able to change a previously unconscious belief to a conscious one that does support you such as: My needs are valued and supported.
In a long-term relationship, it is likely that your partner will also experience reactivity. When this occurs, the greatest gift you can give your partner is space and respect. Space to tune into what he or she is feeling and the respect that allows them to sort out their feelings without being rescued by you.
When we rescue someone from their feelings and don’t let them have their own experience, it keeps them weak, since they don’t have the chance to confront their difficult emotions and transform them to more peaceful ones.
Just as a part of a butterflies evolution is to struggle its way out of a cocoon in order develop strong wings; as part of our growth we are required to face our emotional challenges and work through them individually. We can support our partner with love and kindness, however their emotional journey, is one they must do themselves.
To create a truly alive and dynamic relationship, we need to be able to move through any fear that we have around dealing with our own or our partner’s emotions. Perhaps we are not ready or our partner is not ready to take this step.
If this is the way we feel, acceptance is the way to move through it. We can only do what we are ready for. Sometimes, change does mean however, going beyond our comfort zone and feeling uncomfortable until we achieve mastery in a new area. While we are learning to walk, drive or play tennis for example, it can feel challenging initially while we are developing our new skills. So too, can leaning to move through any emotional pain to develop a more harmonious relationship.
When we try a new skill and it doesn’t go the way we intended, it’s important to reflect and what we could improve upon next time. It is also helpful to acknowledge ourselves for our bravery and courage in trying. Chances are, we may have fallen a few times while we were learning to walk, but that did not stop us from trying and ultimately reaching our goal.
When relationships aren’t working out, it is common for people to give up and either separate, or just co-exist. When couples co-exist they come and go like flat mates but are not connected emotionally in a deep and meaningful way. Yet, with expanding awareness and developing new skills, it’s reasonable and possible for your relationship to be deeply connected, joyous and fulfilling.
