THE KEYS TO GREAT COMMUNICATION

Open, honest and self-soothing: transparent about things and able to calm self.The way you relate to your partner is everything. Communication is very important, so gaining awareness and new skills in this area can take your relationship from ordinary to extraordinary. In a relationship, it can be easy to let fear sweep us away, which comes out when we speak to each other. We can focus on what we don’t want, rather than on what we do want, and then unconsciously get taken down that path.

To manifest what you want in you relationship:

1. Keep the focus on yourself and your needs, rather than what your partner doesn’t do. Where focus goes, energy flows!
2. Focus on what you want to happen in your relationship. Communicate this with confidence. For example: “I feel secure that…” or “I know that…”
3. Explain why things are important to you, allowing your partner to understand the request. For example: “It is important that we make time for each other to maintain our loving connection”.

Formula for communicating needs or contentious issues

I…………..(what you want) that you ……………(expectations) ………….. (explanation)

Examples:

• I know that I can trust you now, because of the way you have been behaving lately.
• I know that things will continue to go well for us, because I love the way you do this for me.
• I finally feel secure and I understand now that you would never hurt me.

Affirmations and appreciation

In relationships, the energy of affirmation and appreciation will help it to grow and blossom with loving kindness and beautiful, supportive positive energy! Think of how relaxed and happy you feel around people who accept and validate you.

John Gottman is one of the world’s leading researchers and experts as to the characteristics of why a marriage would be likely to fail and to what creates a lasting marriage. He refers to the couples who are likely to fail within a marriage as the “disasters” and the couples who are likely to successfully create a long-term and happy relationship at the “masters.” An overview of these characteristics can be seen below:

Characteristics and the effects on Marriage

Disasters

• Criticise: focus on things that are “wrong” with their partner.
• Contemptuous: say things to indicate they are superior in some way.
• Defensive: self- protection, acting as a victim.
• Stonewalling: one partner emotionally withdraws from the other.
   

Masters

• Responsible: are kind and gentle with their partner and take ownership of own emotions.
• Curious & interested: genuinely want to learn more about each other.
• Respectful: admire and care for each other’s needs.
• Open, honest and self-soothing: transparent about things and able to calm self.

What John Gottman also discovered was that is was people’s ability to “repair” after a disagreement that made the difference. If the partners were able to admit that they made a mistake and could talk it through, this would positively support the relationship’s sustainability. Another big influence is a couple’s positive-to-negative ratio. In a healthy relationship, the ratio is five positive statements to one negative.

When we retrain our minds to appreciate our partner’s positive attributes instead of the negatives ones, the energy in the partnership will begin to change. It’s impossible to appreciate someone and to not feel happy at the same time. The energy of appreciation is warm and loving, and allows the person we are directing it towards, to feel validated and safe.

To build appreciation in your relationship, visualise and say what you want rather than focusing on what you don’t want. When you want to encourage specific behaviours from your partner, say what it is and then back up with future expectations. Also be sure to express your appreciation. Examples include:

• You have been so kind and caring of me lately and I feel so safe and secure when I am with you. I am really excited about our future together.
• I really appreciate the way you’ve communicated with me lately; you’ve been really open and I really feel like I’m beginning to know you at a deeper level. I love the person you are.
• I love the way you are so loyal to me. I really trust you and I know you would never cheat on me like other guys. I really appreciate that about you and I feel so safe.

Appreciation is the language of the soul. It allows us to live in an open and expansive state and create loving connections with those around us.