There are only two lasting bequests we can hope to give our children.One of these is roots, the other, wings.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
Children’s awareness really starts to grow at around eight years old. They are more aware of the world around them, as opposed to only thinking about themselves and their immediate circle. This is a very special time of being in-between child and teenager. Active engagement allows children to make sense of the world.
This is a great time to continue building that beautiful bond between yourself and your child to prepare them for their teenage years. If you allow plenty of time to be together generally chatting about things as they come up, this becomes a natural way of being that continues throughout the teenage years. From the early years, it is especially vital to build open lines of connection, allowing for easy natural flow.
It is crucial to recall that you are the adult. Children want parents they can look up to and trust. A child may become “parentified” and take on more responsibility if their caregiver is emotionally or physically immature. Ideally, a child is free to be a child, taking on growing responsibility until they are around eighteen and can be independent on their own
When a parent has not been parented well themselves. The fusion of unmet needs and parental power can lead to a role reversal known as parentification. Later on, this can lead to issues such as stress and low self-esteem in the adults who endured parentification as kids.
If forced to take on responsibility too early, children may be crushed by the burden, causing them to emotionally shut down. Children with parents in crisis can often end up trying not be too much trouble. By trying to support their parents emotionally, they may fail to receive the help needed for their own growth.
Parents struggling can also lean on children emotionally, using them as a confidant to their “adult” problems. It is inappropriate to burden children with situations they are unable to resolve. In other cases, kids are expected to take care of the parent’s physical duties such as cleaning, etc.
As a parent, if you feel stressed by your situation, it is good getting the emotional support you need. (My books Bliss Every Day and Love Now can help). Stepping into your best self is the best gift you can give your kids. This is not about being perfect; it is about leading the way in your family by example. Taking care of and nurturing yourself is important so that you can “give” as caregivers from a place of love.
The correct order of things is that you are the adult or parent and the child is the child. This may sound obvious, but many children grow up in a co-dependent relationship where they emotionally support or modify their needs for the parent. This plays out in a rough way when feeling overly liable for others or building the belief that their needs are not relevant. No one would consciously carry bad beliefs for themselves.
Parents need to be the trusted leaders—not hard enforcers—in a loving way. This allows children to feel secure, and models to them how to be in control of their life. Furthermore children with high self-esteem, usually have their emotional and physical needs filled.
